Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
