I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
