How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
