I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize