I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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