so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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