Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
