i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
