if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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