If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
