If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
