Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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