So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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