Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
