Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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