the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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