I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
