I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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