Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
