:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
