My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i think my mom watched the whole time
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
