she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
