Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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