I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
