literally had 100 drinks last night.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize