i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
