Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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