i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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