I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I deserve this hangover.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
