Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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