Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
