my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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