That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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