I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize