How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
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my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.