Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
