My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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