If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
