Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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