just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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