There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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