I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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