I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i already hear my dad disowning me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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