Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
