Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
