there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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