he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
