What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
