oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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