I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
