Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
