So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Oh god it's open bar.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
