The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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