Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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