i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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