In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
