I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
