I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
