that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
