my mouth tastes like poor choices
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
