I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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