I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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