watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
